life and confusion

hey every one. i have been thinking a lot. thinkin about a lot of things. infact thinkin so much that i have lost the plot for this post. so i'll do wt i want to convey through this post-" write what i want to"(the post is meant to convey follow your heart and do what it says). soooo.. do what your heart says. steve jobs has told you that. Even chetan bhagat says that. i have been followin that line forever. and i want to do what i like. not what some 1 else decides for me. but am i happy?? well yes. i am happy. not completely but yes i am happy. i hear(not listen) ppl say 'work hard- this is the time- later you need not work hard.' never understood that logic though. i thought there was no subsitute for hard work. how can hard work in initial part of some 1's life compensate it for the rest of it? we'll get back to this later. i was saying i follow my heart. and i do what i like. but can i do this forever. i am a performance tester but i cant be the same for life. i like testing applications for performance and it quite intereting but does my heart say yes this is what i should do? i dont know. i dont know what my heart wants me to do. how do ppl realize that their dream is to become an astrounaut or a cricketer. how did Sachin know he wanted to be a cricketer. well he knew coz he was GOD.:P. where does 1 get motivation to do an mba or an Ms in finance. i am 23 and i dont know when i'll know what i want from my life. Every one in this world is meant to do something. when will i realize the purpose of my life? well i atleast know that i like to read about stuff. trivia interests me. Should i take up quizing?? going by results of my quizzing career- i should strictly stay away. i admire Ramachandra Guha and Mukul Kesavan. i often feel that this is what i want to become. a historian. Some 1 who could speak on the nuclear deal or cricket with the same confidence. but i still dont know if i'll be satisfied. read line 5 if this post-"i am happy, not completely but yes i am happy." my fren once remarked-'apoorv has adjusted to the mediocrities of life'.is this the reason i am happy?? we all laughed then. but i cant now. coz thats the truth. many of my friends feel that i run away from situations. i think i do. i avoid situations. but that is not becuase i am afraid of them. i am afraid of the fact that my presence/words might worsen the situation. while i dont realize that my absense is not helping the cause either. indirectly i am afraid of situations now:(. comin back to the point how are success/happyness/money/satisfaction related? Success is a relative term. money can give me happyness, succes can give me satisfaction. which 1 should i follow? i want money. i want to be rich. but i want satisfaction also. but for satisfaction i need to realize the motive/purpose of my life. what is that i want to do forever. i need to figure it out quickly coz time is running out. jago apoorv jago. this mystery needs to be solved before i surrender to the darkness of this world from where coming back might not be easy.

PS: i totally understand that this is not the right place for such a entry but i am confused. i accept that and i guess i'll stay in this state till i find out reasons for a lot of things in life. please dont suggest a psychiatrist. it is me who needs to search answers. answers that lie within me. i hope there no one 1 in this world who shares the same feeling coz its not a very nice one. i hope i see light at the end of the tunnel some day. and that day should not be far. GOD BLESS ALL.

TRUST

Hello every one. i'll try to keep this post short and let u decide if its sweet/sour(mosly sour+non sense). what is trust??? according to askoxford.com trust is: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone. in simple words if a person believes in u, he trusts u. trust is wt my dad has in me wen he gives me the keys to his car. trust is wt a kid has in her mother wen d kid jumps on the count of 3. trust is actually a huge word. wen we trust some 1 we put a lot on their shoulders. we bcome dependent on them.trust is a huge reposibility. if some 1 is trustin u, respect that trust. it might be a secret, it might be a surprise, it can be anythin under the sun. remember amitabh bachchan in Lakshaya--" yeh vishwas bohot badi ijjat hai".. trust is pride for some 1. it could be the world for some 1 else. some of my friends say that i always trust the wrong ppl and i cant identify true frends. my point is evry one is a frend why shud i identify who is true and who is not? why should i think b4 i trust any 1? why cant evry one in this world be trustworthy?? infact i have realized that even i have broken a lot of ppl's trust. it could hve been wen a fren wanted to have dinner wid me and i ditched him, it could be a secret which i dint keep. in both cases i have broken some 1's trust. he/she would stop beleiving in me. i lost a lot of brownie points there.:P:P. to all those ppl whose trust i have broken(intentionally/unintentionally) plz understand that i dint want to do that. sorry is not my favourite word but i end up using it a lot. jut want to end this with a simple line- 'never break anyone's trust.'

PS: i dont know why i wrote this.
i dont know how i wrote this.
i dont know who wrote this.:P:P
this post is as irregular as it can get. bottom line-i am bad at this too. :(
i hope samajhne wale samajh gaye, jo na samjhe wo anari hai. :):)

Door hat jaooooo.

Hey all, how u guys doin?? Well I had quite a ride from home to chnai. And this weird psych of people here down in dis god forsaken place is just insane. It is actually very difficult to understand. I wonder how pschiatrists run their business here. It is very difficult to put logic in brains here. This thing has been bothering me since I’ve been living here but has become prominent off late. With out wasting much time I’ll get to what actually happned. I was in a bus from home(Kalpakkam) to chennai and the bus reached mammalapuram. I was sitting in the last row of the bus. 6 seats. 3 guys were sitting already. 2 seats empty and then me at the window seat. This guy came in and said 'please move ladies varange'(meanin ladies comin). I asked what? He said please move ladies varange. I said so. He kept sayin ladies varange please move. I understood what he meant. He wanted his ‘ladies’ to sit on the window seat, he next to her and me after him. I wanted the window seat. His lady said leave it and that may b he doesn know tamil. I said I know tamil, that’s not the point. I kept asking him y I should move, as I wanted a reason from him. Which I knew he could not give me. He would not have told me to move if he was logical in his thinking. That lady was 45 may be. That lady was twice my age. HE dint want his woman to sit next to stranger. HE and most men and women like him think that single men are rapists. We single men have been to the state penitionary and have spent a term there for being serial rapists. Or may be he thought we had the power to rape women with our eyes. A women just has to sit next to men like us and she would be sexually harrassed. I wonder if that is so obviuos on our faces. Soon the whole bus was on his side, sayin ‘yenna pa ladies varange’. I was like who d fuck are the ‘ladies’? Is it some alien or some big celebrity. I would have voulantarily got up if it was a couple seat and there was place elsewhere to sit. I am not so inconsiderate. All you like minded women and men with these women, please understand not all men are rapists. There are a few assholes in this world but u don’t blame the whole community. There a lot of normal guys if u really look. Most men are satyriasis, I agree. But we can control our hormones. I mean if I need pleasure I can always find it on the net. There is a lot of porn there. And all you FCP out there. Please grow up. You talk of women empowerement and shit all the time. First work hard for evrything. If you are demanding reservations please understand that reservation is for people who are incapable. In a way you are accepting you are inferior. If that is the case then I have no problem. Why do you need 1 whole side of the bus reserved for you?? You don’t have legs?? Why is it ettiquette to offer seat to a women? Are you weak? Are you not strong enough? Why cant you stand for 20 mins in a bus? And all you girl toppers who used multi color pens in your exams. Just a lil curiuos- where do you think your papers went to?? I hope you know they went to a examiner and not a to beauty pagent. Y did u have to use so many colors. Is it that your answers were inferior and u made up by making it more colorful so that the answer was lost in between. I still wonder how it worked? Wondering if my inferior answers also wud have got more marks with a modern art page in between. Comin bac to this shitty place; This bloody fucked up mentality is an attribute to this city/state. Everybody thinks alike. Even in a share auto a girl feels so insecure. As if all the men are just waitin for a chance to punce on her. This city is so messed up. There is no limit to moral policing. The cops are all over the place wanting to harras you. Where in this world would you have a highway with a speed limit of 40? Pubs and disco close down by 12. The dj stops playing at 1130. The bouncers would pester you untill you pay the bill. How does dancing on a song at 1230 endangering culture and tradtions of TN or India. Or serving better liqour making indian liqour extinct? Its amazing how in TN only govt sells alcohol. Govt authorised shops sell sub standard liqour. One has to go to Pondy or Bangalore. I mean let a person do what he wants. Y impose so many restrictions? As long as the law and order is not in danger what is wrong in any of the above? The whole world is moving ahead and chennai is still stuck. Evrytime I have to take an auto it is such a huge task. Mental torture is the right word. I speak tamil. Fluent tamil and still I have to fight for the right price. If chennai has to grow prople have to accept migrants. As long as chennai cant see cosmopolitan culture this place is going no where. There is this IT expressway- which houses most of the IT companies. Supposed to be a 6 lane highway. They did build it. Of the 3 lanes 1 is used as a parking lot. The other is used by buses. 1 lane express way is what chennai has. With cattle and cyclists always jumping in front of you. I want to know what culture and traditions of chennai/TN is in danger when people party or booze. I always thought chennai has everything a metro should have. But no. I thought I can do everythin what a person can so in b’lore as well but no. Chennai is a very inferior place. I thought I would pay less and chennai is not as costly as B’lore. But I am paying a lot more than what this house is worth. Well actually this a mellowed version. I wish I would have written this when all of this happened. I was listensing to songs and a couple of beautiful songs came up. This song that I heard a few days back. Hum jab honge saath saal ke(Movie Kal aaj aur kal). Beautiful song. This song appears in that SBI Mutual fund ad. Amazing song. And then Iqbal ka Aashayein Aashayein. Amazing lyrics. Truly beautiful. There are some songs which when you here u feel have some eternal connection. Aashayein is one such song. Kuch aisa karke dikha khud khush ho jaye khuda. What a song. Guess I am done. Quite a irregular post. No continuity. Waiting for comments….But please get me out of here.


PS: These thoughts are result of outburst of a lot of frustration. Life has been rude to me in the past weak and more. Please comment logically. Thanks