hey every one. i have been thinking a lot. thinkin about a lot of things. infact thinkin so much that i have lost the plot for this post. so i'll do wt i want to convey through this post-" write what i want to"(the post is meant to convey follow your heart and do what it says). soooo.. do what your heart says. steve jobs has told you that. Even chetan bhagat says that. i have been followin that line forever. and i want to do what i like. not what some 1 else decides for me. but am i happy?? well yes. i am happy. not completely but yes i am happy. i hear(not listen) ppl say 'work hard- this is the time- later you need not work hard.' never understood that logic though. i thought there was no subsitute for hard work. how can hard work in initial part of some 1's life compensate it for the rest of it? we'll get back to this later. i was saying i follow my heart. and i do what i like. but can i do this forever. i am a performance tester but i cant be the same for life. i like testing applications for performance and it quite intereting but does my heart say yes this is what i should do? i dont know. i dont know what my heart wants me to do. how do ppl realize that their dream is to become an astrounaut or a cricketer. how did Sachin know he wanted to be a cricketer. well he knew coz he was GOD.:P. where does 1 get motivation to do an mba or an Ms in finance. i am 23 and i dont know when i'll know what i want from my life. Every one in this world is meant to do something. when will i realize the purpose of my life? well i atleast know that i like to read about stuff. trivia interests me. Should i take up quizing?? going by results of my quizzing career- i should strictly stay away. i admire Ramachandra Guha and Mukul Kesavan. i often feel that this is what i want to become. a historian. Some 1 who could speak on the nuclear deal or cricket with the same confidence. but i still dont know if i'll be satisfied. read line 5 if this post-"i am happy, not completely but yes i am happy." my fren once remarked-'apoorv has adjusted to the mediocrities of life'.is this the reason i am happy?? we all laughed then. but i cant now. coz thats the truth. many of my friends feel that i run away from situations. i think i do. i avoid situations. but that is not becuase i am afraid of them. i am afraid of the fact that my presence/words might worsen the situation. while i dont realize that my absense is not helping the cause either. indirectly i am afraid of situations now:(. comin back to the point how are success/happyness/money/satisfaction related? Success is a relative term. money can give me happyness, succes can give me satisfaction. which 1 should i follow? i want money. i want to be rich. but i want satisfaction also. but for satisfaction i need to realize the motive/purpose of my life. what is that i want to do forever. i need to figure it out quickly coz time is running out. jago apoorv jago. this mystery needs to be solved before i surrender to the darkness of this world from where coming back might not be easy.
PS: i totally understand that this is not the right place for such a entry but i am confused. i accept that and i guess i'll stay in this state till i find out reasons for a lot of things in life. please dont suggest a psychiatrist. it is me who needs to search answers. answers that lie within me. i hope there no one 1 in this world who shares the same feeling coz its not a very nice one. i hope i see light at the end of the tunnel some day. and that day should not be far. GOD BLESS ALL.