life and confusion

hey every one. i have been thinking a lot. thinkin about a lot of things. infact thinkin so much that i have lost the plot for this post. so i'll do wt i want to convey through this post-" write what i want to"(the post is meant to convey follow your heart and do what it says). soooo.. do what your heart says. steve jobs has told you that. Even chetan bhagat says that. i have been followin that line forever. and i want to do what i like. not what some 1 else decides for me. but am i happy?? well yes. i am happy. not completely but yes i am happy. i hear(not listen) ppl say 'work hard- this is the time- later you need not work hard.' never understood that logic though. i thought there was no subsitute for hard work. how can hard work in initial part of some 1's life compensate it for the rest of it? we'll get back to this later. i was saying i follow my heart. and i do what i like. but can i do this forever. i am a performance tester but i cant be the same for life. i like testing applications for performance and it quite intereting but does my heart say yes this is what i should do? i dont know. i dont know what my heart wants me to do. how do ppl realize that their dream is to become an astrounaut or a cricketer. how did Sachin know he wanted to be a cricketer. well he knew coz he was GOD.:P. where does 1 get motivation to do an mba or an Ms in finance. i am 23 and i dont know when i'll know what i want from my life. Every one in this world is meant to do something. when will i realize the purpose of my life? well i atleast know that i like to read about stuff. trivia interests me. Should i take up quizing?? going by results of my quizzing career- i should strictly stay away. i admire Ramachandra Guha and Mukul Kesavan. i often feel that this is what i want to become. a historian. Some 1 who could speak on the nuclear deal or cricket with the same confidence. but i still dont know if i'll be satisfied. read line 5 if this post-"i am happy, not completely but yes i am happy." my fren once remarked-'apoorv has adjusted to the mediocrities of life'.is this the reason i am happy?? we all laughed then. but i cant now. coz thats the truth. many of my friends feel that i run away from situations. i think i do. i avoid situations. but that is not becuase i am afraid of them. i am afraid of the fact that my presence/words might worsen the situation. while i dont realize that my absense is not helping the cause either. indirectly i am afraid of situations now:(. comin back to the point how are success/happyness/money/satisfaction related? Success is a relative term. money can give me happyness, succes can give me satisfaction. which 1 should i follow? i want money. i want to be rich. but i want satisfaction also. but for satisfaction i need to realize the motive/purpose of my life. what is that i want to do forever. i need to figure it out quickly coz time is running out. jago apoorv jago. this mystery needs to be solved before i surrender to the darkness of this world from where coming back might not be easy.

PS: i totally understand that this is not the right place for such a entry but i am confused. i accept that and i guess i'll stay in this state till i find out reasons for a lot of things in life. please dont suggest a psychiatrist. it is me who needs to search answers. answers that lie within me. i hope there no one 1 in this world who shares the same feeling coz its not a very nice one. i hope i see light at the end of the tunnel some day. and that day should not be far. GOD BLESS ALL.

TRUST

Hello every one. i'll try to keep this post short and let u decide if its sweet/sour(mosly sour+non sense). what is trust??? according to askoxford.com trust is: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone. in simple words if a person believes in u, he trusts u. trust is wt my dad has in me wen he gives me the keys to his car. trust is wt a kid has in her mother wen d kid jumps on the count of 3. trust is actually a huge word. wen we trust some 1 we put a lot on their shoulders. we bcome dependent on them.trust is a huge reposibility. if some 1 is trustin u, respect that trust. it might be a secret, it might be a surprise, it can be anythin under the sun. remember amitabh bachchan in Lakshaya--" yeh vishwas bohot badi ijjat hai".. trust is pride for some 1. it could be the world for some 1 else. some of my friends say that i always trust the wrong ppl and i cant identify true frends. my point is evry one is a frend why shud i identify who is true and who is not? why should i think b4 i trust any 1? why cant evry one in this world be trustworthy?? infact i have realized that even i have broken a lot of ppl's trust. it could hve been wen a fren wanted to have dinner wid me and i ditched him, it could be a secret which i dint keep. in both cases i have broken some 1's trust. he/she would stop beleiving in me. i lost a lot of brownie points there.:P:P. to all those ppl whose trust i have broken(intentionally/unintentionally) plz understand that i dint want to do that. sorry is not my favourite word but i end up using it a lot. jut want to end this with a simple line- 'never break anyone's trust.'

PS: i dont know why i wrote this.
i dont know how i wrote this.
i dont know who wrote this.:P:P
this post is as irregular as it can get. bottom line-i am bad at this too. :(
i hope samajhne wale samajh gaye, jo na samjhe wo anari hai. :):)